"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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