I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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