Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
