I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
