The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
