Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Randomize
