Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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