I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
