Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
