oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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