Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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