WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
