Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
