There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
