we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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