I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
