My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Less talking, more tequila
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
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