I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
