are you so shy because you have an std?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Randomize