yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
