worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
