Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
