I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
