I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
