Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You are a genius and a whore.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A bitchslap is in order.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize