i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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