someone threw a dead crab at me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
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