I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
