just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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