Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
