OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
