fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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