i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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