Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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