We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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