you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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