I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
