i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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