hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
