i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
