grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
