Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
