i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
She even gives head with a lisp.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
