Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
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