if i can run in heels then i can drive
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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