I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
