bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
