I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Randomize
