there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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