I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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