I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
