sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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