I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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