Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
