mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
