He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
