I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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