I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
