WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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