Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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