i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize