I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
