I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
