I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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