So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i think my cat just said my name.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
