I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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