Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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