I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Slut skills are useful in every country.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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