I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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