I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
