Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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